out of sight/mind

Urban living will dispel every romantic notion you’ve ever had about snow. In the city, snow is not beautiful, sparkly, or even white. In New York, for example, snow looks like nothing so much as mounds of wet ash; it turns grey almost as soon as it hits the ground, giving the landscape a vaguely apocalyptic air. It’s even worse in Chicago, where snow serves as a blank canvas for pissing dogs. The day after a serious snowstorm, you’ll see an unhealthy looking yellow patch every two-and-a-half feet or so, and let me tell you—it’s disgusting.

Usually, the snow piddlers favor Pollack-style splashes, though occasionally you’ll see a more controlled pond-type formation. But earlier today, during my afternoon constitutional, I passed a particularly heavy patch that stretched on for about 15 feet. I will spare you the particulars, but it was one of the weirdest and grossest things I have ever seen in my life. For several blocks after that, I tried to imagine what sort of creature could do such a thing. I’ve pretty much decided it was either a dragon or warring packs of dogs that, like, bleed urine.

So basically, here in Chicago snow does nothing so much as highlight the fact that our city is covered in pee. I find this extremely depressing. It’s hard to explain, but when you’re walking around looking at all that animal waste, you start feeling very literal about the whole life is shit thing. It reminds me of the e-mails my mother routinely forwards me with the breaking news in the battle against fecal matter at public eateries. (Like, you would not believe how many times Good Morning America has found that the lemon wedge in your water glass is a glorified turd.) And actually, I feel the same way about all that as I feel about this urine-soaked world of ours—I don’t much mind as long as I don’t have to see it.

I don't like being so negative. Heaven knows I’m full of vinegar, but even a sourpuss like me longs to gaze upon sweet baby 2010 with a modicum of wary optimism (denial?). This seems like an impossible task upon realizing that, within the last 24 hours alone, we learned Sarah Palin is practically a news anchor, Elizabeth Edwards is a bitch, Conan has been demoted, and Blago has brought further shame upon himself and the state of Illinois. It’s enough to get a girl down, so I’ve been baking cookies and buying flowers and reading vampire books in an attempt to keep this big bad world at bay.

And while the bright side is not my forte, I can tell you this much: even when I feel like the elements are holding me hostage here at home, at least the snow looks white from my window.