toilet naps

A long time ago, when I was in college, I spent a summer temping at a dreadful company that sold car insurance or something. One of my fellow temps was a young woman named Donna, who was one of the funniest people I have ever met.

Donna was basically my idol. She was an excellent conversationalist, mostly because so much of what she said made absolutely no sense. Every conversation I ever had with Donna ended in exactly the same way--viz., with the sentence, "Cuz I've got a husband." It was unclear whether she was proud of this husband, or if his existence implied some other meaning or threat. The interesting thing was that the anecdotes themselves rarely, if ever, involved her spouse; yet, inexplicably, there he was at the end of every story: "Cuz I've got a husband." When she said it, she would draw out the first syllable of the last word. She would wag her finger and nod, for emphasis. "Cuz I've got a huzzzband."

As great as that was, my favorite thing about Donna was that she liked taking naps in the ladies' room. It was a habit she picked up back when she pregnant and working at a bank. She'd lock herself in the stall, take a seat, and snooze until she felt like she could carry on with her day.

I mean, in one sense, I thought it was pure genius. Toilet naps are kind of in that same untouchable zone as calling in sick with diarrhea: no one wants to ask any follow-up questions. Probably your boss isn't going to confront you about why you're spending so much time in the bathroom.

Of course, on the other hand, you're taking a NAP in the BATHROOM like some sort of hobo while all your co-workers are busy blasting out that specific type of public bathroom fart that sounds vaguely prehistoric. (Seriously, ladies, WTF? I suffer from shame-loss but I would kill myself if I let something like that loose in the public sphere.) Gross!

Some years ago I was telling this story to one of my girlfriends, who didn't even think it was weird. She was like, "What? I've totally slept in the bathroom at work." I mean, toilet naps made a certain amount of sense for Donna (being crazy is exhausting, after all), but to think they might be a thing regular world? The mind reels.